Millennial Star Signs
Adhereius the Glue Jan 27 – Mar 3
If Jupiters moons were aligned on the day you were born then add 3 weeks 2 hours to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You are curiously drawn to sticky substances like a Mexican is drawn to chilli. A typical day for you consists of one or more of the following: sitting in freshly chewed chewing gum, leaning against wet paint in new clothing and getting your left hand stuck to your favourite appendage with crazy glue. You have an ability to use Ados for hours at a time without getting high.
Pieces the Jigsaw Feb 29 – Apr 3
If there was a collapsing star present in the sky on the day you were born then add 56 days 15 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign.
Drug addicts, drunks, prostitutes, hit-men, crime bosses and politicians are likely to be your best friends since you can never keep your mind together long enough to expel more than one or two syllable words. You can very rarely make a coherent sentence. You are destined to become president of an Arab State.
Airhead the Fool Mar 28 – May 2
If there was a full moon on the day you were born then substitute your birthday into the following formula to get your true star sign: D(ås + DT2) / PY +27.7. If you can work this out them Pythagoras is proud of you, 150 bonus points, if not just add a week (that will be close enough).
Holding on to enough money to obtain useful possessions or edible food has never been your strong point. You always buy off blind street vendors and are surprisingly impressed by the way they can grab your money almost before you can extract it from your pocket and give you the correct change. You’re the only person who gets lost on the London underground system. You sometimes know you’re a fool.
Porous the Sponge Apr 26 – Jun 2
If a black hole was spotted on the day you were born then add 6 days 2 hours 53 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You love using up other peoples money and food and have never done an honest days work in your life. Your cloths smell worse than sewage even after being boiled in disinfectant. You only work hard when the boss is watching over you. You have a strange ability to sense when you are being watched.
Jamboree the Scout May 27 – Jul 3
If the Star-ship Enterprise was present in the sky on the day you were born then add 17 days 2 hours 34 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign plus you also get 200 bonus points.
When you hear the words “clove hitch” you will be willing to follow anybody anywhere. You can tie knots in anything long and pliable. Most people will disown you totally but your grand children will love you and worthogs will find you strangely attractive during mating season.
Canned the convenience food. Jun 27 – Aug 3
If a white dwarf exploded on the day you were born then add 14 hours to your birth date to get your true star sign.
Your favourite activity is changing channels on the TV. Even Tim the one legged toy soldier does more exercise then you. You will not eat anything unless it has been in a can and requires minimal effort to prepare. You are a mindless moron who can’t even tie his shoe-laces or dress properly. When your family or flatmates go on holiday they put you in a dog hotel which you love. You have an ability to open cans in your sleep.
Rodeo the Cowboy Jul 28 – Sep 4
If a twin star system was visible in the sky on the day you were born then add 2 months 5 hours to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You love baked beans, bonfires, billies, bones and most of all big cows. Electronic equipment fascinates you even though you have as much chance of operating it as a blind baboon. The opposite sex fascinates you as well, you can’t operate them either. You will never meet your parents and will have children without even realising how it is possible.
Vobo the Russian Clown Aug 27 – Oct 2
If Mercury, Venus and the Crab Nebula were aligned on the day you were born then you will have a weird birth mark on your bottom lip. Subtract 31 days from your birth date then multiply by the square root of your great grandads birth date to get your true star sign.
Your special talents are juggling and acrobatics but you are as ugly as the devil himself and have to ware a mask on Halloween so that you don’t frighten any old folks to death. You will do well in a circus as long as you are kept as far away from civilisation as possible.
Zebra the Stripes Sep 28 – Nov 3
If no stars were visible on the day you were born then add 2 minutes 59 seconds to your birth date to get your true star sign.
Anti-vegetarianism is your speciality. You love torturing vegetarians by taking them to the freezing works and forcing them to watch the whole process. You have the ability to eat any kind of rotting maggot infested meat. You love Africa and especially striped animals. You would gladly lay your life down for one of these majestic creatures. You are a total smeghead.
Scoria the Rock Oct 27 – Dec 2
If a meteor larger than 1 inch in diameter hit the earth on the day you were born then add 7 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You are likely to be physically deformed in some way and may be able to earn a decent living off social welfare or scam a lot a money off people at railway stations. With careful plotting you can sell yourself to science. You have the gift of being able to talk to inanimate objects.
Sanctimonious the Monk Nov 28 – Jan 2
If Pluto and Saturn were present in the sky at the time of your birth then add 29 days 6 hours to your birth date to get your true star sign.
Enjoyment for you can only be found by dressing up as a Monk one day and a Nun the next. This gives you a sense of balance. You are a perverted scumbag and enjoy being in both Monks and Nuns dressing rooms. You are destined to become the Popes right-hand man.
Cappuccino the Coffee Dec 30 – Feb 4
If the milky-way was visible in the sky at the time of your birth then add 2 days 2 hours and 57 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You will grow up to be addicted to all types of drinks both hot and cold and will go to any length to obtain one when you are out of pocket. You are highly allergic to a drink known as tea ( especially Dilmah tea ) and start getting itchy when you smell it. You have the ability to drink piping hot coffee through your right nostril.
(This was written just for fun and not intended to be serious in any way)