This is a slide show that I made and am re-posting it here.
My first thought after watching several news articles is one of disbelief. Why would you have a tracking system in a plane that can simply be switched off. Surely it shouldn’t be possible to switch it off or there should be a backup tracking system that comes on if the main one is accidentally switched off or damaged. It’s like having a car with a steering wheel that can fall off. Don’t they have a brain? My prayers go out to all the people and families of those who were lost from this tragic flight. What do you think?
To all the fans of the TV series “Red Dwarf” I hope you enjoy this.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Twelve racks of suits,
Eleven Hammond Organs,
Ten lagers with croutons,
Nine diesel decks,
Eight lifeless moons,
Seven cat naps,
Six specks of grit,
Five red hot curries,
Four gazpacho soups,
Three spare heads,
Two pleasure GELF’s,
and a life pod with an alien.
By Roger Vincent
Author of “Apostrophe to Zenith”
Millennial Star Signs
Adhereius the Glue Jan 27 – Mar 3
If Jupiters moons were aligned on the day you were born then add 3 weeks 2 hours to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You are curiously drawn to sticky substances like a Mexican is drawn to chilli. A typical day for you consists of one or more of the following: sitting in freshly chewed chewing gum, leaning against wet paint in new clothing and getting your left hand stuck to your favourite appendage with crazy glue. You have an ability to use Ados for hours at a time without getting high.
Pieces the Jigsaw Feb 29 – Apr 3
If there was a collapsing star present in the sky on the day you were born then add 56 days 15 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign.
Drug addicts, drunks, prostitutes, hit-men, crime bosses and politicians are likely to be your best friends since you can never keep your mind together long enough to expel more than one or two syllable words. You can very rarely make a coherent sentence. You are destined to become president of an Arab State.
Airhead the Fool Mar 28 – May 2
If there was a full moon on the day you were born then substitute your birthday into the following formula to get your true star sign: D(ås + DT2) / PY +27.7. If you can work this out them Pythagoras is proud of you, 150 bonus points, if not just add a week (that will be close enough).
Holding on to enough money to obtain useful possessions or edible food has never been your strong point. You always buy off blind street vendors and are surprisingly impressed by the way they can grab your money almost before you can extract it from your pocket and give you the correct change. You’re the only person who gets lost on the London underground system. You sometimes know you’re a fool.
Porous the Sponge Apr 26 – Jun 2
If a black hole was spotted on the day you were born then add 6 days 2 hours 53 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You love using up other peoples money and food and have never done an honest days work in your life. Your cloths smell worse than sewage even after being boiled in disinfectant. You only work hard when the boss is watching over you. You have a strange ability to sense when you are being watched.
Jamboree the Scout May 27 – Jul 3
If the Star-ship Enterprise was present in the sky on the day you were born then add 17 days 2 hours 34 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign plus you also get 200 bonus points.
When you hear the words “clove hitch” you will be willing to follow anybody anywhere. You can tie knots in anything long and pliable. Most people will disown you totally but your grand children will love you and worthogs will find you strangely attractive during mating season.
Canned the convenience food. Jun 27 – Aug 3
If a white dwarf exploded on the day you were born then add 14 hours to your birth date to get your true star sign.
Your favourite activity is changing channels on the TV. Even Tim the one legged toy soldier does more exercise then you. You will not eat anything unless it has been in a can and requires minimal effort to prepare. You are a mindless moron who can’t even tie his shoe-laces or dress properly. When your family or flatmates go on holiday they put you in a dog hotel which you love. You have an ability to open cans in your sleep.
Rodeo the Cowboy Jul 28 – Sep 4
If a twin star system was visible in the sky on the day you were born then add 2 months 5 hours to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You love baked beans, bonfires, billies, bones and most of all big cows. Electronic equipment fascinates you even though you have as much chance of operating it as a blind baboon. The opposite sex fascinates you as well, you can’t operate them either. You will never meet your parents and will have children without even realising how it is possible.
Vobo the Russian Clown Aug 27 – Oct 2
If Mercury, Venus and the Crab Nebula were aligned on the day you were born then you will have a weird birth mark on your bottom lip. Subtract 31 days from your birth date then multiply by the square root of your great grandads birth date to get your true star sign.
Your special talents are juggling and acrobatics but you are as ugly as the devil himself and have to ware a mask on Halloween so that you don’t frighten any old folks to death. You will do well in a circus as long as you are kept as far away from civilisation as possible.
Zebra the Stripes Sep 28 – Nov 3
If no stars were visible on the day you were born then add 2 minutes 59 seconds to your birth date to get your true star sign.
Anti-vegetarianism is your speciality. You love torturing vegetarians by taking them to the freezing works and forcing them to watch the whole process. You have the ability to eat any kind of rotting maggot infested meat. You love Africa and especially striped animals. You would gladly lay your life down for one of these majestic creatures. You are a total smeghead.
Scoria the Rock Oct 27 – Dec 2
If a meteor larger than 1 inch in diameter hit the earth on the day you were born then add 7 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You are likely to be physically deformed in some way and may be able to earn a decent living off social welfare or scam a lot a money off people at railway stations. With careful plotting you can sell yourself to science. You have the gift of being able to talk to inanimate objects.
Sanctimonious the Monk Nov 28 – Jan 2
If Pluto and Saturn were present in the sky at the time of your birth then add 29 days 6 hours to your birth date to get your true star sign.
Enjoyment for you can only be found by dressing up as a Monk one day and a Nun the next. This gives you a sense of balance. You are a perverted scumbag and enjoy being in both Monks and Nuns dressing rooms. You are destined to become the Popes right-hand man.
Cappuccino the Coffee Dec 30 – Feb 4
If the milky-way was visible in the sky at the time of your birth then add 2 days 2 hours and 57 minutes to your birth date to get your true star sign.
You will grow up to be addicted to all types of drinks both hot and cold and will go to any length to obtain one when you are out of pocket. You are highly allergic to a drink known as tea ( especially Dilmah tea ) and start getting itchy when you smell it. You have the ability to drink piping hot coffee through your right nostril.
(This was written just for fun and not intended to be serious in any way)
It has occurred to me that women have a host of different types of evening’s that they can go to such as: Tupperware, linen parties, undercover ware, jewelry parties and a host of other stuff but us guys seem to have nothing that caters for us. How about tools, electronic gadgets and computers. Does anybody have some more ideas for guys stuff? Ladies, feel free to let me know what I have missed from your list and I will add them in.
I’m in the process of writing the last few chapters now so thought I would post this excerpt from the book (I have yet to decide on a title). I hope you enjoy this.
“I’m scared,” she said, “I’m sure there’s something down there.”
“We all feel the same way Sam. Let’s get out of here,” Bruce said looking at the group. James reluctantly let go of Sam and turned to the group. They all started walking towards the exit and into the empty transit area. James felt a warm hand hold onto his, he turned to Sam and smiled. She didn’t return his smile though, her and the other girls were petrified and held tight to the guys next to them. The place seemed eerie in the dim lighting and they all quickened their pace and headed down to the parking level. Once again they thought they could see movement in the distance but didn’t dare stop to check it out. Christopher, Gemini and Bruce got into a vehicle first and jumped with surprise when it asked for a destination. Sam giggled making Sally and Gemini giggle also. The Vehicle recognised Bruce as one of the government officials and thought it best not to question him. They said quick goodbyes and each of them looked once more into the shadows but saw nothing. Sally, Sam and the J-twins all got into a vehicle with James and Sam in the front.
“Can I talk to it?” Sam asked excitedly.
“Sure, good luck,” James replied relieved that he didn’t have to do so.
“I won’t need any luck, you’ll see,” Sam said.
“I won’t say another word,” James said reclining his seat back and relaxing.
“Vehicle, we would like to go to the pool please,” Sam said.
“I don’t recognise your voice, what is your name please?” the vehicle asked.
“Sam Sillest,” Sam replied..
“Oh yes, one of the new arrivals. Welcome to Trinnium 2. I hope you enjoy your stay,” the vehicle said.
“Thank you, I will,” Sam said.
“Which pool would you like to go to?” the vehicle asked.
“The main pool please,” Sam said.
“Which entrance would you like to go to?” the vehicle asked.
“The main entrance,” Sam said.
“There’s no such thing as the main entrance, please restate your answer,” the vehicle said.
“Any entrance then,” Sam said.
“There’s no such thing as the any entrance then, please restate your answer,” the vehicle said.
“Does it matter which entrance we go to?” Sam asked.
“There’s no such thing as the does it matter which entrance, please restate your answer,” the vehicle said.
“You must be kidding. I don’t know which entrance I want to go to,” Sam said getting angry with the vehicle.
“Then I suggest you look at a map and find out where you would like to go,” the vehicle said making Sam even angrier.
“Fine,” she said through gritted teeth. The J-twins looked at each other but said nothing. Sally watched with interest as Sam brought up a map of Trintech and studied the pool and the various routes that could be taken through the maze of corridors.
“OK vehicle could we please go to the Sunpool entry of the Main pool please,” Sam said thinking she had outsmarted the vehicle.
“No, you can not go to that entry point from here,” the vehicle said.
“Why on Cellest not?” Sam demanded.
“That would require us to go outside the building,” the vehicle said.
“So,” Sam said.
“There’s a category 5 sand storm outside, the wind speed is now over 400km/ph. We would not survive for more than a few seconds out there. Your map is out of date. Do you require access to a weather report and a new map Sam?” the vehicle asked politely.
“By the moons of Cellest, I’m going to reprogram this thing soon. James help!!” Sam pleaded. James just smiled and got out his note taker and sent Sam a new map.
“Don’t worry, Jim and I often find the AI frustrating. The vehicles are learning though,”
“Jim and James, the J-twins. Where would you like to go sirs?” the vehicle said trying it’s best not to upset them. Sam just rolled her eyes and sat back with her arms folded across her chest.
“First things first, roof please, no air conditioning,” James said.
“Good idea sir, I have detected several species of desert spider on this level. They must have come in to shelter from the storm,” the vehicle said.
“You’re right and none of them are very friendly. Main pool, emergency exit number two please,” James said.
“Yes sir,” the vehicle said and headed off out of the parking level. Sam turned to see what Jim and Sally were doing and saw Sally resting against Jim, his arms were around her waist and she was holding onto Jim’s hands.
“Well that’s just great, you two are cuddling up while I’m getting frustrated with this vehicles AI,” Sam said. Jim and Sally laughed, James put a reassuring hand on Sam’s shoulder.
“I did try and warn you,” James said.
“I know you did,” Sam said finally calming down. She pushed some buttons on the seat’s control panel and tried, without much luck, to get the seat to recline. All of a sudden the seat flew backwards to a horizontal position.
“Ahh help,” Sam screamed as she fell backwards. Jim and Sally laughed again but James gently put the seat to mid position and moved it next to his.
“Thank you James,” Sam said moving next to him, she rested her head on James’s chest and closed her eyes. James put his arms around her and moved her long red hair away from her face but she was already asleep. Sally sat up and looked over at Sam, all the stress had gone from her face. She reminded Sally of when they were children and had nothing to worry about except which game to play next.
Some Alliterations I made up just for fun.
An Amazon army ant accidentally activated an Andean avalanche.
Big Brazilian Bruce Banner bruised bunched bananas before breakfast.
Collin Carpenter’s carnivorous Canadian cows captured Carry’s corn-crunching crows.
Dan Doppler dangled dangerously down Devil’s Drop delivering distasteful drivel.
Eric Estle earned enough Euros eating Eddy’s eagle eggs.
Farmer Frank fished fluffy feathers from Fred’s fountain.
Gloria Gastro gulped grotty green grapes getting gangrenous growths.
Hermajet’s horrid henchmen hoisted heavy hacker Henry high.
Ingenious Ian introduced insidious insects into Iran.
Jumping jousters jostled Jacob’s Jaguar jokingly.
Kenny knees Kelly’s knitted kite.
Laughing Larry lunged ludicrously loudly letting Linda’s llama’s leap.
Murray madly munches mashed mandarins meanwhile Mandy makes melon marmalade.
Naughty nags neighed nearly nudging Nelly’s noodles.
Orangutans open oysters on Okavango’s orange outcrop.
Peter Pero’s prickled panther pants patiently.
Quoted Quebec’s Queen, “quickly quit quacking Quedrick.” (reading from a book called quick quotes)
Ragged rapscallions raced round Rio-de-janeiro really roughly.
Sally Sackford squirted sauce saturating six slippery snakes.
Ten Texas truckies tickled titanic tarantulas.
Trust Tammy Tompkins to throw ten tigers towards Timbuktu.
Unicorns usually understand unskilled university users.
Vincent Vangoff’s vintage van vroomed very vivaciously visiting Venice.
While Willy waited wasted wheat withered wickedly.
Xhosan Xavier x-rayed xenomaniac Xena.
(Xhosan – bantu speaking tribe from South Africa
xenomaniac – person with excessive attachment to foreign things.)
Yolina’s yucky yellow yak yanked yams yesterday.
Zephania zipped zanily zoo-ward.
Apostrophe to Zenith by Roger Vincnt
ISBN – 1616670134 or EAN- 9781616670139
If you take the title, author and these numbers in to any bookshop they will be able to order the book for you.
On the web.
You can also click on any of these websites depending on where you are in the world: